I can't believe I'm posting for the second time in two days! Crazy. But I've been thinking a lot tonight about my life. I was having a relatively good day. I worked 10 hours, got home, was tired and didn't really want to do anything. Anyhow some stuff happened tonight and it got me thinking. What am I doing with my life? How and what do my friends really think of me? I'm really worried about what direction my life is heading. I'm surrounded by a lot of positive people in my life, yet at the same time my job is confusing me a lot. Since I've had my calling as a teacher I've been learning a lot more about the gospel (because it gets me studying and thinking more about the principles than I normally would have). So in a way I see myself as getting more spiritual. At the same time at work I'm meeting and associating with people who aren't living righteous lives (granted many of them are trying to change), but it really affects me. At work today, my boss said something that really struck me and I do not agree with (but I couldn't bring myself to argue about it with her--I don't want to lose me job). But just a little background before I get into this...I really like my boss. She's a wonderful lady, very trusting, generous and funny. She is a lesbian and one of my coworkers is her partner. Anyway she used to be a member of the church-she went on a mission, got married in the temple, had two children. Got divorced and came out, and got excommunicated. Anyway her boys are a little confused about religion and I guess some kids today asked them if they were mormon or not. The boys didn't know what to say. They are, but they aren't. We got on the subject of religion and my boss said, "Religion is for those who are afraid of hell. Spirituality is for those who've lived it." I think it was something along those lines. I found it very interesting, but did not really know what to say. Religion and the church seems to come up fairly often in our conversations. I never really know what to say, but often just listen and don't say anything. Anyway I may sound dumb, but I'm just a tad confused by a lot conflicting emotions I have had lately.
In addition life is just getting harder and harder. True friends are getting harder to come by. I was really hurt tonight when one of my friends thought I had been talking badly about her behind her back and I was shocked when I found this out. I sincerely do not remember anything she was talking about and I really do not think I said anything about her. I am so confused about friends because when you hear things like this do you believe who told you? Or do you trust that you know your friend to the point where you they have your trust? Does that make sense?
Another thing on my mind lately concerns what I am doing with my life. I ran into an old friend on Sunday and he asked me what i was up to. After we were catching each other up a bit he asked me, "if you could do anything you wanted (for a job) what would you do?" And it was funny I really did not know what to say. I stood there thinking about it and just stopped and said, "this is pathetic. I truly don't know." I've never been completely happy and satisfied at a job. Is this normal? I'd like to think so. Otherwise I'm screwed.
3 comments:
Sounds like fun times Mel. A couple of points. Boss lady first. Those who know the church is true and leave it, find it hard to truly step away from. They always have to justify it, even when it isn't asked for. Hence the frequency of that topic. Her comment is a popular one for those types of people as well. I think its hilarious since we all know how you become spiritual requires some religion.
Point 2. You are not the first person to have been in your life/job spot. It's just the first time it's happened to you(probably not the last). Make the most of what you have available to you, and you'll be happy. We wish we were around so we could play a bit more. Ellen would chat about books and such. Excited to see you in a couple of weeks.
feel better, you deserve to.
Life changing events require significant investments of time. Finding a career is one of those and for some of us it took a lot of introspection and work. I was 27 before I found what I wanted to do with my life and 31 before I got the job I wanted. You will find your way.
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